Most loving parents have an innate desire to praise their children. However, there seems to be a backlash against praise lately, especially on social media. One of my favorite comedians, Taylor Wolfe, highlighted the anti-praise movement in a reel titled “Teaching My Boomer Mom About Millennial Parenting” (watch it here if you haven’t already). In the video, he instructs his mother not to say “Good job” or “I’m proud of you” — a request his mother finds ridiculous. This video is relatable in part because it shows the confusion we all feel about praise.
For those of us who grew up in the “confidence campaigns” of the 90’s, it’s hard to understand what’s wrong with a seemingly positive and loving statement like “I’m proud of you. Enter gentle parenting advocates. Advocates of gentle parenting would argue that this type of praise will make children overly reliant on reassurance from others and ultimately reduce their intrinsic motivation to engage in the behavior.
So what does research really find about praising children? Is it an effective way to motivate children or will it make children overly dependent on the approval of others and lack intrinsic motivation? Can phrases like “I’m proud of you” and “Good job” really turn your kids into “praise junkies”?
A Study of Praise
First, it is important to say that there is nothing inherently wrong with compliments. Praise has long been a tool advocated by psychologists and included in many evidence-based parenting programs. Most psychologists and researchers consider praise to be an important part of good parenting. Research also suggests that praise generally has a positive effect on children, as praise has been associated with improved academic performance, increased opportunities to engage in kind and helpful behavior and improved social skills. Parental praise is associated with increased brain matter in the area of the brain associated with empathy, conscientiousness and open-mindedness. We also have no evidence that praise generally reduces intrinsic motivation and in fact we have evidence that praise may increase intrinsic motivation. However, research finds that How praise stories for your child and that some types of praise may be better than other types of praise. Fortunately, research gives us some guidance here.
How to Praise Your Child
So how exactly should you praise your children? Research offers the following tips:
- Praise the process, not the person. Praise your child’s effort, strategy and process, rather than praising traits he can’t easily change (such as intelligence, athleticism or beauty). Research finds that “process praise” (translation: praise effort, strategy and process) improves children’s intrinsic motivation and persistence in the face of challenge. “Praising a person” (translation: praising fixed characteristics associated with a person such as “very smart/nice/nice”) tends to make children focus more on their mistakes, give up easily and feel sorry for themselves. Why is this happening? Imagine if your parents kept telling you how smart you are and then you couldn’t understand algebra. You may think that your parents are wrong and that you’re not really “smart” and decide that there’s no point in even trying because you’re either “smart” or “not smart”—it’s a hard trait you can’t change. You may also feel less inclined to challenge yourself (because what if you fail and are no longer considered “smart”) and you may be able to cheat to show that you are “smart.” The pressure to achieve feels overwhelming and overwhelming. However, if your parents generally complimented you on how hard you worked at math, you would probably just work harder if you didn’t understand algebra, completely avoiding the high pressure and problem of not being “smart” anymore.
- Use support rather than control praise. Research suggests that you should avoid using praise that aims to control your child’s behavior because this type of praise it does appears to reduce intrinsic motivation. In other words, the goal of your praise should not be to try to pressure your child into doing what you want them to do. For example, rather than saying, “You’re a science major. You should be a doctor like me when you grow up,” say, “it seems like you really like science and work hard to understand it.” Be aware of any praise that uses the word “should” or that may make your child feel stressed.
- Avoid using praise that compares your child to other children. When you use praise to compare your child with other children, it seems to improve performance in the short term, but in the long run this habit may lead your children to judge their performance only in relation to other people rather than meeting their goals or enjoying themselves. For example, instead of praising your child for being the best soccer player on his team, focus on his performance. You want to be especially careful not to compare your child to his or her siblings with your compliments (such as, “He’s a better listener than your brother”), as research shows that comparing siblings is linked to behavior problems.
- Use specific praise rather than general praise. Research finds that praising specific knowledge helps children learn how to improve their behavior in the future. For example, “it’s a good job to put your toys back in the bin when you’re done using them” helps children learn to expect something. If you simply say “good job” after your child cleans up his toys, he may not know what you’re talking about. However, it is also important to mention that recent research has found that even simple and vague praise (“Yes” in this study) may not undermine persistence or make children feel more negative about themselves. The only concern with this type of general praise is that it may not give children an idea of how they can improve in the future.
- Use gestures as praise. Research also suggests that parents may want to use touch (lifting up, stroking) to encourage their children from time to time. Research finds that gestures can be very effective in improving children’s self-evaluation, that is their judgment of how they have done and how they feel about it.
- Combine praise with positive attention. Try using praise with positive attention or non-verbal positive responses (hugs, smiles, pats or other forms of physical affection). Research shows that this can be very effective in improving children’s behavior.
- Be sincere in your praise. This last tip may be the most important. Research suggests that when children feel that their parents over- or under-praise their performance, they are more likely to experience depression and underachieve academically. Research has also found that overly passive praise (such as, “That’s the most beautiful painting I’ve ever seen”) is associated with children who develop self-esteem, avoid challenges, and become overly dependent on praise.
So What Can You Say “I’m Proud Of You”?
No research directly examines the impact of telling your children “I’m proud of you” or even studies comparing phrases that focus on a child’s self-evaluation versus an adult’s evaluation (such as “You seem really happy with this. artwork” versus “I think your artwork is great”) so -so it is difficult to make a specific recommendation about this sentence. However, based on the research we have, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with saying “I’m proud of you.” However, research suggests that you may want to make sure you’re specific (“I’m proud of you for trying so hard to make a team”), that you don’t focus on specifics (“I’m proud of you for helping others” versus “I’m proud of you for being a helper”) and that you’re not controlling or pushy (“I’m proud by finally getting A’s in math”).
What about “Good Job”?
Also, no research specifically looks at the phrase “good job.” Based on the research we have, “good work” does not appear to be harmful but may not be specific enough. If your child doesn’t know what you’re talking about, they may misinterpret or take your praise for granted. In addition, “good job” is often used in a dishonest way. I’m thinking of a situation where your child insists that you watch them do hundreds of handstands in the pool and say “good job” to each one of them without looking up from your phone. It’s easy to see how this experience can diminish children’s knowledge of praise.
What Happens If You Don’t Praise Perfectly?
After reading all of this research, you may feel overwhelmed by all these “rules of praise” or feel guilty about the times you didn’t follow these guidelines. But don’t stress—you absolutely don’t have to do this (and really no parent ever has to)! Just aim to follow these rules as often as possible. Research finds that as long as most of the praise children hear (at least three out of four times) is research-backed praise, children show more persistence and improved self-evaluation. This suggests that even if you forget these rules 1 out of 4 times, there is no reason to worry. So if you slip up and call your child “smart” or give them a “good job” you’re not pretending (and trust me—we have everything you did it), your child will be fine.
Some Examples of the Kind of Praise You Should Use
I can see how hard you worked on that
