Content warning: This clip deals with pregnancy, miscarriage, and infant loss.
Almost two years ago, but I still remember you like it was yesterday. I was in the bathroom when I saw something horrible: blood.
As a 37-year-old woman, the blood was no big deal. This scared me because I was seven weeks pregnant. When you get pregnant, you know loss is possible, but you don’t see yourself miscarrying in a middle school bathroom on a Thursday morning.
I realized that there was nothing I could do. Twenty-four eighth graders were waiting for me in my classroom. I had to face the painful truth: I was probably going to lose my baby, and despite that, I had to go back to my classroom.
I know I am not alone in this experience.
It is estimated that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and since teaching is a profession that identifies women, it is possible that pregnancy will affect the lives of many teachers.
However, many are forced to lose and continue teaching because they have a deep sense of responsibility to their students, feel guilty about taking time off, or lack the support to take care of themselves. Although my superiors would support me by taking time off, this idea seemed impossible: I was physically unable to do my job, so I realized that I still had to do my job.
As discussions about pregnancy loss develop, more people are speaking out about their experiences and sharing resources.
This includes Dr. Amanda Pinkham-Brown, teacher and researcher at East Carolina University. After K-12 education, Pinkham-Brown started a new job and prepared to write a book about teacher union efforts and burnout.
Then he got bad news. She writes in her book: “At 36 weeks and three days, my husband and I discovered to our great sadness that our daughter did not have a heartbeat.” Three days later, after a long hospitalization, he was stillborn. I had the impossible task of meeting and saying goodbye to my first child on that terrible day.”
After this devastating loss, Pinkham-Brown also had to look at her career situation. She was not eligible for paid leave and felt that working would be better than staying at home. Still, that meant she went to work two weeks after giving birth, surrounded by strangers and people she didn’t know during her pregnancy.
The experience was “surreal,” she recalls, and when the focus of her work changed, Pinkham-Brown chose to consider how her experience was reflected in the education system. “I asked myself, what is it like to work within this system when you are facing a difficult time?” he shares. “How does the system support or not support you?” Therefore, Pinkham-Brown collected stories from 43 teachers and interviewed 5 to better understand their journey of navigating pregnancy loss as educators.
Pinkham-Brown’s research is a powerful tool for considering how school communities can support teachers experiencing pregnancy loss. He talked about his findings and offered recommendations and resources.
What are some of the specific problems teachers face during pregnancy?
Through his research, Dr. Pinkham-Brown identified the unique challenges pregnant teachers face while working in schools.
Not all grieving strategies are possible for people who work in schools.
“I have read many books from HR and management about bereavement and pregnancy at work. As I was reading articles about supporting people, I was just checking things off the list, ‘Well, you can’t do that at school; you can’t do that as a teacher.’ Most of the recommendations are things like offering low-stress jobs or allowing hybrid work. All these variables are very difficult to do in school. “
It is not always possible to isolate your feelings at school.
“Your tolerance window is also very low, so things that might have irritated you a little now push you completely over your threshold, and there’s usually no way to take a break. There is also a stimulating type of working with children. For some, it helps, but for others, it’s really hard. One woman said that watching her students fall into the hands of their parents would break her heart. It’s an emotional job, and we love being teachers; it’s part of who we are, so when these things come together, there’s the guilt of feeling like you’re not giving it your all.”
The healing process is physically demanding as well.
“Pregnancy is a very stressful and, for many people, physically stressful experience. You are trying to find a moment to put cabbage on top because you are leaking milk because there is no child to nurse, your students are waiting for you. She’s sad, she’s bleeding, she’s bleeding in a world where ‘dirty’ women’s bodies are already stigmatized. It’s a special kind of bad.”
What surprised you about your findings?
Dr. Pinkham-Brown shared these observations and patterns from her research that provide insight into the experiences of teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss.
Many teachers had good stories of compassion to share.
“I was actually surprised by how many good things people had. I expected everyone to have a horror story—there are horror stories—but almost everyone had a story about a great connection they made. One woman said, ‘I’m not going to leave my school now because of how nice everyone was.’ People shared stories of co-workers bringing flowers, vice-principals bringing the class together, or superintendents encouraging them to take a real vacation. It felt encouraging to see that even though programs can be hostile, some people can still keep their humanity and hold space for each other.”
Employees and leadership can make a powerful difference.
“There was also no clear indication of what would represent a good school experience. There was no correlation between primary and secondary or public versus private versus charter. Really, it comes down to staff and leadership. The kind of culture that the school has influenced.”
How can schools and administrators provide better support for teachers experiencing pregnancy loss?
Schools don’t always have the best resources available to teachers when they experience pregnancy loss. Here are some simple things they can do to make those teachers feel recognized and supported, according to Dr. Pinkham-Brown.
Understand and support the need for time off.
“People finish their sick leave to take care of themselves or they are afraid to take it out in case they get pregnant again. Even well-informed people say they wish there were better terms for leave or miscarriage similar to sick leave or bereavement leave, and bereavement leave is only three days. I have noticed that people who have easy access to leave have had a great experience.
“Also, make sure you support the break. If someone on leave is still receiving grading messages or explaining small programs, that can be a real problem. If someone else can write small programs or manage things, schools or administrators should handle that.”
Ask how you can support their transition back to work.
“Do they want to tell people or not? Offering to manage their communication would be helpful as many of them did not want to share a story eight times in a row. That is a big piece of leadership that can take people out of their hands.”
Remember: Appreciation is key.
“Just acknowledging this time of grief that this is a great loss can be helpful. Especially with miscarriage, people can feel very invisible. It is important to acknowledge that, no matter what happens, this is a bad experience. Research shows that there is no significant difference in grief depending on the gestational age of the lost child. So, saying things like, ‘at least it was morning’ or ‘at least you can’t get pregnant again’ can be hurtful. Not only are they sad, but now they are beating themselves up because they think they shouldn’t be sad.
“We can also think carefully about the types of things we do. We don’t know who is losing. Something like a baby shower at work meetings, so now everyone has to go, it’s neutral for everyone.
“Finally, just understand. Go in and see what they want because it’s up to each individual how they want to be treated. Feeling without judgment is important. We don’t want to think about how people feel. Just giving space and asking how they are doing can be powerful.”
What do you want to share with teachers who have experienced or may lose a pregnancy?
Jackie Mancinelli, who runs Start Healing Together, works with teachers to help them work with administrators, return to work, or plan infertility treatment. He is a resource that teachers should know about.
Here is Mancinelli’s advice for teachers who have experienced pregnancy loss or may experience it in the future:
If you can take time off, take it.
“Many people say they are afraid to take days off or think of many reasons why not to do it, but they also wish they had taken it off. Our jobs are physical and emotional, and this loss is physical and emotional. So, while not everyone can do it, if you can take time off to take care of yourself, you should. “
Find someone who can support you—even just one person in the building who you can befriend or live with.
“Finding someone who can help support them is important so they don’t feel alone.”
Give yourself room to breathe.
“This is the best thing you can do, especially after that Ask for help. See if someone else can write you small plans or help you manage things so you can really focus on yourself. It makes a big difference.”
In her book, Pinkham-Brown writes that she and her support group “rejected the idea that everything happens for a reason and instead embraced the idea of making our own sense of our loss. There is no issue with my child’s death, but I want good in the world because of his death.” Her research is an important and powerful reminder and resource for all of us as we create a kinder, more caring, and more inclusive environment for those experiencing pregnancy loss.
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