Dear We are teachers,
I am in my third year teaching 3rd grade. I have a large family spread all over the city, and I love them very much. But it’s really hard to keep up—especially during the holidays. I really need to rest this Thanksgiving break, but the email chains started weeks ago with family plans four days in a row that week! I wish there was a “come to what you can” type, but my family is careful and places a lot of value on who comes out and who doesn’t. How can I make my family understand that I need serious rest?
– Published in Michigan
Hello EIM,
I’m tired of just reading that! It sounds like you can use boundaries to create healthy limits for yourself.
One idea that I end up recommending over and over again is Christina Torres Cawdery’s “boundary balancing,” or, in other words, how to set boundaries without feeling patronizing. Here’s the equation: Appreciation/affirmation + a clear statement of my needs = a healthy boundary.
Pick a few “big ticket” family gatherings to attend this week, and use the equation to set healthy boundaries for the rest of your time. This might sound like:
“This sounds so exciting! I need to spend a few days this week resting and recovering from the school year, so I can’t make it. I can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving dinner and catch up.”
“Oh, I love that you’re planning this! I won’t be able to make it this time, but I can’t wait to see you all in a week for Nana’s birthday.”
I know you feel pressured to attend to everything, but your family needs to accept your true need for self-care (or start preparing yourself for a soulless, cranky zombie to show up for family activities).
Dear We are teachers,
I am dealing with a health issue that requires me to be out for a set amount of time or to recover for more days than usual. I don’t feel comfortable sharing my diagnosis with anyone yet—my bosses or coworkers. What eats at me is the guilt I feel so out of it. I’m worried that my coworkers, students, and parents will think I’m lazy or that I’m giving up on work for silly reasons. When I’m out, I compulsively check my email and worry about my sub so much that I almost make myself sick. I know this is off topic, but do you have any words of wisdom?
-Getting Sick (Regarding Sickness)
Hello SOMMSABOS,
Yes, I have two pieces of wisdom.
The first is this: Consider very seriously telling at least your management. I think this will prevent much of the guilt you have, because even if you still have lingering concerns about colleagues or students, you at least know that any speculation (real or imagined) will end with your management. They can also help you with concerns from people you are not ready to tell. If it’s easier, you can always send an email instead of telling them in person.
My other advice is this. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone who shares this with you. If another teacher comes to you and says he needs to leave for a long time for health reasons, what would you tell him?
“Yeesh, try not to go out too much, though. School is more important than life.”? No.
“Wow, are you really going to leave us hanging like that? And?” Of course not.
You can say something like, “Please, do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself,” or “School can wait! Your life can’t,” or “We’ve got this. He worries about you.” That’s how you should be talking to yourself right now. The next time you find yourself in an embarrassing situation, comfort yourself out loud. You may feel a little noisy, but it will shut out the useless voice in your head.
Dear We are teachers,
I am a para in a class where one of the students has a service dog. I do everything for this student who has what he needs. Unfortunately, I don’t get along well with this dog and start sneezing the second I walk into the room. For hours after that, I had sinus drainage and a headache, and a few times this semester, I’ve had a sinus infection. I asked the principal if I could move the classrooms, but he said that the teacher needed my help at that time. I can’t keep this up for another semester! Help!
— Sneeze in Snohomish
Dear SIS,
Blessed.
Yes, we need to make sure your student has what they need. But that doesn’t have to be at the expense of what you need. Being exposed to food allergens that cause you to react that way is not going to be good every day.
First, try talking to your principal again, make sure he understands the stress you are putting on your body. Offer alternatives: You could support this teacher for a different class time, support the school in a different way during that time, change your conference time with that class, etc.
If he says no, try to get your doctor (or, you know, your doctor) to write you a doctor’s note about how repeated exposure to something known to be bad, is actually bad. And if that fails, talk to your school’s union representative. In this house we do not play with our sins.
Do you have a burning question? Email us at [email protected].
Dear We are teachers,
I have generally controlled tongues, but it gets worse when I’m nervous or stressed. I’m in my first year of teaching, so obviously the pressure makes it work more often. My principal called me and said that the parents complained that the students had trouble understanding me because of that, and I had to “work” on it. I was too afraid to object, but my principal must know that I can’t really work on it. How do I approach this conversation with him without seeming confrontational?
—Why Not Use Your Baldness?
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